One of the main reasons why most people don’t get what they want is they haven’t decided what they want. They haven’t defined their desires in clear and compelling detail. So how do you reclaim yourself and your true desires? How do you get back to what you really want with no fear, shame, or inhibition? How do you reconnect with your real passion? You start on the smallest level by honoring your preferences in every situation—no matter how large or small. Don’t think of them as petty. They might be inconsequential to someone else, but they are not to you. If you are going to reown your power and get what you really want out of life, you will have to stop saying, “I don’t know; I don’t care; it doesn’t matter to me”—or the current favorite of teenagers, “Whatever.” When you are confronted with a choice, no matter how small or insignificant, act as if you have a preference. Ask yourself, If I did know, what would it be? If I did care, which would I prefer? If it did matter, what would I rather do? Not being clear about what you want and making other people’s needs and desires more important than your own is simply a habit. You can break it by practicing the opposite habit. One of the easiest ways to begin clarifying what you truly want is to make a list of 30 things you want to do, 30 things you want to have, and 30 things you want to be before you die. This is a great way to get the ball rolling. The Success Principles(TM) - 10th Anniversary Edition: How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be Habitual self-image is one limiting factor you can work on. Working on self-image involves redefining yourself. Another limiting factor is self-worth. Working on self-worth involves changing what you value. Our self-worth constantly becomes tied up in our performance. If we want to improve, we need to test ourselves on challenging climbs, but a diet of challenging climbs will yield plenty of performances that fall short of our aspirations. Poor performances can make us feel like “failures.” Many people lose effectiveness in their climbing (and other aspects of life) by tying their self-worth to how they are performing. All of us have experienced this to some degree at some time, and many of us feel it constantly. If we are climbing well, we feel good, not just about our climbing but about ourselves. After a “good” day on the crags, we might be confident, upbeat, and self-assured in all our affairs for days afterwards. Conversely, a “bad” day can make us feel down and unsure not just about our climbing but even our jobs, relationships, or our optimism for future happiness. In short, climbing rewards or punishes us, as if we were naïve children and climbing was our parent. Authentic self-worth comes from an internal value system, not from simple achievement. Self-worth comes from the positive results of your effort. Instead of simply falling into this habitual self-worth mindset, analyze it. Focus your attention on it. Discover its logic, or lack thereof. In the light of consciousness, its hold on you will begin to break down. You will see that external achievement is not the root of anything really valuable that we can derive from a climbing challenge. So what is? What can we take away and really use? The answer: learning. Hard climbs push us out of our comfort zone, and once in the unknown, we can learn. Often, in the midst of the challenge, we push ourselves in ways we didn’t know possible, gaining knowledge that we can’t lose. And, if our effort is strong and creative, we can gain that knowledge regardless of the outcome of the climb. Achievement may or may not be the result of an effort, but the essential payoff of the experience is learning. If, on the other hand, the self-worth you derive from your climbing is based on what you learn during the experience, then you are less concerned about the outcome of your efforts and able to focus more on the effort itself. What really matters when facing a challenge? What matters is learning. You want to test yourself, throw yourself into something outside your comfort zone and see what you’re capable of. Your true goal is not to conquer fifty feet of inanimate rock, but to expand your abilities through learning. With a focus on learning, awareness improves. The Rock Warrior's Way: Mental Training for Climbers In a way, psychology is entirely a discipline of self-improvement; it helps us analyze our thoughts, actions, and motivations to learn how we can avoid misjudgments. In self-improvement, psychology helps us step outside of ourselves and view our thoughts and actions from a third-person perspective. I learned once that there are people who act, and people who are acted upon, meaning that some people control the trajectory of their lives (carpe diem!) and others let life happen to them . If you want to achieve extraordinary things, begin with the ordinary. Psychological research confirms the principle that small, proximal goals are more effective than long-term (distal) goals. The study illustrated a simple principle—to accomplish big things, set small proximal goals that will help us work toward our larger goal. The grandiose goals are often too daunting for us to even attempt them, unless we shift our perspective and ask, “What’s the first step to achieving this?” Create a manageable first step, and we’ll be on the right track. How often do we have an important, somewhat unexpected idea pop into our heads, but we dismiss it without taking action. For me, these ideas arrive with a bang. I think, “I should do that!” But then I hesitate, allowing myself to debate the issue for a few minutes until all the momentum has worn off. The Nike principle no room for debate and indecision. Don’t wait; just do it. When the opportunity arrives, take it, and that’s a lesson we should all try to apply to our own goals. If you commit to doing something specific at a future time, you’ll be more likely to do it. You make a decision about something long before the moment of decision arrives. If you do something well (even just ONE thing) people will ask you to do it again. Boost: Create Good Habits Using Psychology and Technology While coming to grips with my new reality wasn’t easy, and at times I couldn’t help but wonder—why did this happen to me?—I had to take responsibility for getting my life back. Instead of complaining about how things should be, I embraced how things were. I stopped putting energy into wishing my life were any different—into wishing bad things didn’t happen to me—and instead focused 100% on making the best of what I had. Since I couldn’t change the past, I focused on moving forward. I dedicated my life to fulfilling my potential and achieving my dreams so I could discover how to empower others to do the same. And, as a result of choosing to be genuinely grateful for all that I had, unconditionally accepting of all that I didn’t, and accepting total responsibility for creating all that I wanted, this potentially devastating car accident ultimately became one of the best things that ever happened to me. Hinging on my belief that everything happens for a reason—but that it is our responsibility to choose the most empowering reasons for the challenges, events and circumstances of our lives—I used my accident to fuel a triumphant comeback. The degree to which you accept responsibility for everything in your life is precisely the degree of personal power you have to change or create anything in your life. Know that wherever you are in your life right now is both temporary, and exactly where you are supposed to be. You have arrived at this moment to learn what you must learn, so you can become the person you need to be to create the life you truly want. Even when life is difficult or challenging—especially when life is difficult and challenging—the present is always an opportunity for us to learn, grow, and become better than we’ve ever been before. You are in the process of writing your life story, and no good story is without a hero or heroine overcoming their fair share of challenges. The good news is that you have the ability to change—or create—anything in your life, starting right now The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM) Read over the list of rules below. Try a few of them on for size. Add to the list your own personal rules. Write these rules on note cards and put them where you can see them every day. 1 If it frightens you, do it. 2 Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for. 3 Put yourself first. 4 No matter what happens, you will handle it. 5 Whatever you do, do it 100%. 6 If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got. 7 You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. 8 Ask for what you want. 9 If what you are doing isn't working, try something different. 10 Be clear and direct. 11 Learn to say "no." 12 Don't make excuses. 13 If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules. 14 Let people help you. 15 Be honest with yourself. 16 Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever. 17 Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change. 18 Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever. 19 Stop blaming. Victims never succeed. 20 Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it. 21 Accept the consequences of your actions. 22 Be good to yourself. 23 Think "abundance." 24 Face difficult situations and conflict head on. 25 Don't do anything in secret. 26 Do it now. 27 Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want. 28 Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong. 29 Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences. 30 Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen. It is time to start getting what you want. Breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome will allow you to discover your true passion and potential. By taking responsibility for creating the kind of life you really want, you can become all that you were meant to be. No More Mr Nice Guy The ability to choose cannot be taken away or even given away—it can only be forgotten. How Do We Forget Our Ability to Choose? One important insight into how and why we forget our ability to choose comes out of the classic work of Martin Seligman and Steve Maier, who stumbled onto what they later called “learned helplessness” while conducting experiments on German shepherds. Seligman and Maier divided the dogs into three groups. The dogs in the first group were placed in a harness and administered an electric shock but were also given a lever they could press to make the shock stop. The dogs in the second group were placed in an identical harness and were given the same lever, and the same shock, with one catch: the lever didn’t work, rendering the dog powerless to do anything about the electric shock. The third group of dogs were simply placed in the harness and not given any shocks. Afterwards, each dog was placed in a large box with a low divider across the center. One side of the box produced an electric shock; the other did not. Then something interesting happened. The dogs that either had been able to stop the shock or had not been shocked at all in the earlier part of the experiment quickly learned to step over the divider to the side without shocks. But the dogs that had been powerless in the last part of the experiment did not. These dogs didn’t adapt or adjust. They did nothing to try to avoid getting shocked. Why? They didn’t know they had any choice other than to take the shocks. They had learned helplessness. To become an Essentialist requires a heightened awareness of our ability to choose. We need to recognize it as an invincible power within us, existing separate and distinct from any other thing, person, or force. William James once wrote, “My first act of free will shall be to believe in free will.”2 That is why the first and most crucial skill you will learn on this journey is to develop your ability to choose choice, in every area of your life. When we forget our ability to choose, we learn to be helpless. Drip by drip we allow our power to be taken away until we end up becoming a function of other people’s choices—or even a function of our own past choices. In turn, we surrender our power to choose. That is the path of the Nonessentialist. The overwhelming reality is: we live in a world where almost everything is worthless and a very few things are exceptionally valuable. As John Maxwell has written, “You cannot overestimate the unimportance of practically everything.” Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less Every goal I ever achieved, or came close to achieving, was simply the answer to a question I was obsessively asking myself. Questions have the power to shift your focus instantly and fill you with energy and inspiration. The first thing you need to do is identify the questions you are currently asking yourself. Which questions consume you on a daily basis? Are they productive? If not, change your questions. You control the questions you ask. Use questions to stay focused on your new direction in life. Throughout the day, ask yourself, “What is my purpose?” “What are my core priorities?” and “What is my story?” Avoid distractions by asking, “What is the most important thing I can do right now?” and “Will this matter in a year from now?” Stay positive by asking, “What’s great about this situation right now?” Use quality questions to get quality answers and quality results. Black Hole Focus: How Intelligent People Can Create a Powerful Purpose for Their Lives Less but better. A more fitting definition of Essentialism would be hard to come by. The way of the Essentialist is the relentless pursuit of less but better. It doesn’t mean occasionally giving a nod to the principle. It means pursuing it in a disciplined way. It is about pausing constantly to ask, “Am I investing in the right activities? Only once you give yourself permission to stop trying to do it all, to stop saying yes to everyone, can you make your highest contribution towards the things that really matter. There are far more activities and opportunities in the world than we have time and resources to invest in. And although many of them may be good, or even very good, the fact is that most are trivial and few are vital. The way of the Essentialist involves learning to tell the difference—learning to filter through all those options and selecting only those that are truly essential. Essentialism is not about how to get more things done; it’s about how to get the right things done. It doesn’t mean just doing less for the sake of less either. It is about making the wisest possible investment of your time and energy in order to operate at our highest point of contribution by doing only what is essential. The way of the Essentialist means living by design, not by default. Instead of making choices reactively, the Essentialist deliberately distinguishes the vital few from the trivial many, eliminates the nonessentials, and then removes obstacles so the essential things have clear, smooth passage. In other words, Essentialism is a disciplined, systematic approach for determining where our highest point of contribution lies, then making execution of those things almost effortless. Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less When you truly know what you want, and that what you want is worth having, you’ll find all your internal resources aligning. The interesting thing about the mind is that if you take a brain and cut it open, you can’t find the mind. You can’t find a poem or the taste of chocolate or the feeling of a first kiss or the music from the prom dance. All you find is a bunch of nerve tissue. The nerve tissue in your brain acts as a substrate. It’s almost like your computer. It acts like your hard drive or your motherboard, and basically it’s designed to store various bits of data and to assemble, reassemble, and rearrange them and call them up whenever you want. When people do things that are not good for them—and it doesn’t matter whether it’s biting their fingernails or committing serial murders—they are doing what they are doing because some part of them thinks it’s essential. A part of them believes that it’s necessary for survival, for their well-being. While some behaviors may not be sane, healthy, or anything most people would condone, it’s important to understand that in that individual’s worldview, in their mind, that behavior is absolutely necessary. The two things I’d like you to hold in mind are that there is no such thing as an inner enemy and that behind every behavior is a positive intention. Your mind—as well as everybody else’s mind—is operating the best way it currently knows how. It may be wrong and it may need an adjustment, simply because most brains decide how to operate when people are four or five years old. Understanding that we all live in and operate from a personal model of reality is the key to making our lives better serve us. NLP: The Essential Guide to Neuro-Linguistic Programming Fear is recorded at the cellular level. It is a memory of every seemingly life-threatening experience they ever had. It was born of a time of absolute dependency and helplessness. It originated in not having their needs met in a timely, judicious manner. It was fostered by fearful systems that discouraged risk and rewarded conservatism. It was heightened by the reality that life is messy and chaotic and any kind of change promises a journey into the unknown. I call this kind of fear, Memory Fear. Because of the memory fear created in childhood, Nice Guys still approach the world as if it is dangerous and overpowering. To cope with these realities, Nice Guys typically hunker down and play it safe. As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering. Suffering because they avoid new situations. Suffering because they stay with the familiar. Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start. Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked in the past. Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable. No matter what happened, he would handle it. The following week, Nolan proudly announced that he had contacted an attorney. Even though he felt tremendous fear and anxiety, he found courage in repeating his new found mantra: "I can handle it." Facing present day fears is the only way to overcome memory fear. Every time the Nice Guy confronts a fear, he unconsciously creates a belief that he can handle whatever it is he is afraid of. This challenges his memory fear. Challenging this memory fear makes the things outside of him seem less threatening. As these things seem less frightening, he feels more confident in confronting them. The more this confidence grows, the less threatening life seems. List one fear that has been controlling your life. Once you decide to confront the fear, begin repeating to yourself, "I can handle it. No matter what happens, I will handle it." Keep repeating this mantra until you take action and stop feeling fear. No More Mr Nice Guy |
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Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.” |